All in

“Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!”
—Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I think I might be falling in love with Drummer Boy. So is it really love? I’ve been questioning this for months now. I pretty much lost interest in seeing other men; I let my subscription to the dating site expire. Or rather, had to cancel it since they get you hooked by something called “auto-renew.” I think about him daily, although I haven’t had the need to be with him constantly—and this has become an issue which I’ll get to in another post.

I’d been struggling with the decision to go all in with this guy this for awhile. After two failed long-term relationships, I’d come to the realization that I didn’t want to be back in one just yet. But being with Drummer Boy has turned that all topsy-turvy and I’ve been so damned confused. Is he the right one, or am I settling because I’m afraid of aging out of the dating game?

While there are things about Drummer Boy that are wonderful, there are also characteristics about him that I struggle with. The past few weeks I’ve been ruminating on all of this and I needed some clarity, so I called my best friend. The one who’s known me since we were 10 years old. She suggested I make a list of the pros and cons of being with him. Even though I listed some of his great qualities in my last post, I think it’s necessary for me to explore it further.

Here are the pros:

• He’s a solid guy, willing to help out in any way. He recently took apart a portion of my rotting fence in the backyard. And I never even asked him to do it. He also helped fix a large split on the front bumper of my car. (Both casualties of our recent severe winter.)
• He’s a gentleman: opens car doors, makes sure he takes my hand when we cross a street; treats me like a princess.
• We’ve found a number of activities we both like to do and have learned together. No one has ever taken me swing dancing before.
• We are extremely physically compatible. This is a big one for me and I’m thinking should be number 1 on my list.
• I like having him sleep next to me. And it’s so comforting when we’re touching all night.
• He’s thoughtful about our relationship. He’s obviously trying to analyze it and find ways to make things mesh—he really wants to talk things through. It seems to be working.

And now the cons:

• His sense of humor is more Jerry Lewis than Jerry Seinfeld. I outgrew the Three Stooges around the age of 10. And I don’t know if I appreciate his Elmer Fudd, or Daffy Duck impersonations either.
• He claims he’s very spiritual and believes that “God is his Father” (his words, not mine). I, however, am an atheist. This has never sat well with him, although I feel I’m tolerant of his beliefs. I have friends of all faiths from fundamentalist Catholic to Quaker and everything in between. We all get along just fine. While I’m not afraid to engage in debate over the issue, I don’t believe I’ve ever attacked anyone over it, and am perfectly happy not to discuss it at all.
• He’s been married three times. The last two happened within six months of the previous one. I find that troubling—he’s been afraid to be alone. However, I know it’s something he’s working on.
• His two daughters (they’re grown; the same ages as my kids) have not spoken to him in over four years. That’s also been troubling me. What’s their story? My daughter says that it’s been too long for their mother to have that much influence over their opinion of him.
• He gives the impression that his financial situation is precarious. He makes a good living and doesn’t pay alimony or child support any longer. Apparently his second wife ran them into deep debt with credit cards and I know he’s still gun-shy about that.
• He doesn’t communicate when things are bothering him. Unfortunately, neither do I, so this makes for a precarious situation. To his credit though, in the past, he’s drawn me out and helped me express what’s been on my mind.

So there’s my list. In reading it over, I see I’ve also given him an excuse for almost every con item listed. Hmm. I’m certainly old enough to know that there’s not going to be any man who’s perfect. So maybe his sense of humor is goofy. Maybe he thinks mine is too dry and sarcastic. I know I’m not an easy person for men to understand, and I’ve been told by one guy I’m kind of like trying to catch lightening. But underneath it all, I think I’ve really fallen for him. I guess I’m all in.